Rachel could do better: school reports

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The old Christchurch Girls High School building before it was earthquaked — public domain

All through high school I had a stomach ache. I was a “happy, normal” girl (they say, and I thought so) yet in retrospect, a low-level anxiety was my default condition. I only discovered this after a few weeks at the University of Canterbury, when it dawned on me that I felt different.  Some self-study revealed an interesting fact: I felt different because I didn’t have a stomach ache. Intuitively I knew why — five years too late.

Every day at high school we had a load of homework. A typical day would chuck us three or four of the following: maths problems, a chemistry chapter, an essay to write, a list of French, German or Latin words to learn, a geography map to draw… I was a conscientious kid who tried quite hard, but it was so difficult to keep track of this weekly silo of obligations, and life beyond school was so full of duties and delightful distractions, and my mind had other intriguing matters to think about, such as the boy who mowed the lawns next door.

Every bit of forgotten homework meant a detention — oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh me oh my, I abided for five years in a vicious cycle of effort, panic, blame, guilt, and punishment.

Our teachers were mostly admirable or likeable or at least well meaning, and included some brilliant women. They did their best according to the educational culture of the time. Nevertheless I left high school with the puzzling knowledge that I was never as smart or successful as they expected. I disappointed them. In a way I knew that was their problem, not mine, but that was no cure for the tummy ache.

I adored my friend Ailsa, who laughed at blame. She would call the teachers’ bluff. But I was a vicar’s daughter with a strong sense of duty, and I also had my own little cross to bear.

Peak IQ-testing

The 1940s–50s were peak IQ-test years. At primary school I’d come to the attention of teachers as too stupid for schooling. They suggested that I belonged in a special farm/school for the “mentally handicapped”. My parents responded by getting my IQ tested again and again and again. My highest score had me cast as a so-called genius. (I know, pathetic problem —  but it was further proof that grown-ups can be very silly sometimes.)

Consequently my high school teachers didn’t expect me to be merely very good, but extra super stunningly brilliant at every subject always — in an elite class of an academic school. Ridiculous. I did try to use more of my brain at high school, but I still needed some daydream time. Seems the inhabitants of my gut knew this situation was not healthy.

Free to study for fun

When I discovered my tummy-ache-free status, it took about ten seconds to guess the reason. Bingo! My university professors didn’t care whether I passed or failed! Apparently that was my business, not theirs. I had assignments, and I did them, but for my own reasons. Suddenly I loved studying! Free at last — autonomy suited me and my gut.

Yesterday I rewrote an old half-forgotten poem about the pressures of high school, as I experienced them. Nowadays I aim to keep my poems very simple (on the surface, at least), so I think you’ll enjoy this one.

Very good work (a work in progress)

Don’t feel sorry for me: I survived into happiness. But what about my classmates? Maybe the poem will set you thinking about the feelings that bubble up when you think about your school days — whatever they are.

Reasons for writing: be glib or be puzzled

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My sister Lesley (left) who accidentally triggered Fixing Mrs Philpott. Photo: Nilu Izadi 

What prompts you to write a particular book, a specific book? For example, why did I write Fixing Mrs Philpott— rather than a memoir, a book about ageing, or a novel from scratch about an entirely different character?

“Why did the author write this book?”

This is a stock question at any writers’ festival, and authors learn to answer in a way that satisfies the audience. But the “reasons” we trot out are usually a minefield of guesses, coincidences, fictions and facts. They are excuses, not reasons. We shape our reply for the audience and our own needs, and it’s as true as we can make it. Behind that carefully constructed answer is a mystery and a puzzle. Which is not a bad thing.

My high school English teachers used to ask us this standard question about every poem and every novel that we studied, and it puzzled me deeply. Especially as they seemed utterly confident they knew the answer, and that there was only one correct answer. Even at the age of 12 I was astonished at their answers and their certainty, because I was equally certain that they were wrong.

Unpicking some reasons for writing Fixing Mrs Philpott

Circumstances played a part. A few years ago, my sister told me that her 80-year-old friend was looking for some mildly erotic short stories to revive her lost sex drive. I was very busy at the time and certainly didn’t have time to write a novel … but it occurred to me that I could handle short stories. They were short, that’s why. And I could write them one at a time.

So I gathered true confessions about real life sex from friends and acquaintances (but why?). I elaborated (but why?), I embellished (but why?) and the result was Scarlet Heels: 26 stories about sex.

Then at the Frankfurt Book Fair, publishers and agents advised me with one voice to reverse-engineer the short stories into a novel. With 26 random characters in eight different countries? Yeah, right! What a ridiculous idea.

Nobody forced me to jump through that hoop, and yet I did. (Why?) After three false starts (modelled on 1001 Nights, an Agatha Christie house party, and The Canterbury Tales) I finally hammered the stories into a single entity by using the Hero’s Journey screenplay model. A single male character was added to the mix. Eventually I had a plot and an earthquake-resistant structure, instead of a string of episodes:

Odd little Mrs Philpott has a couple of problems on the back burner. At 70 she is convinced that her life is over, plus she has a “relationship problem” with her husband Bill — and then the earthquakes begin. So off she goes, a small woman in a large car dragging a yellow caravan. On a shaky road trip around Canterbury, she receives a torrent of all-too-personal advice from an ever-expanding community of friends. Further disasters test her to the limit. In a final violent confrontation, she must either prove that she is well and truly fixed — or lose everything.

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But these are not logical reasons

Would you have perceived a lack of time as a reason to write short stories? Would you have written the short stories just because your sister asked you to find some for a friend? Would you have struggled to create a genuine, well plotted novel out of those maverick short stories, without a contract or commitment from agent or publisher?

I like to think I select my own path as a writer, but my feet carry me inexorably along peculiar tracks to odd destinations. And that’s exactly how I like it.

How about you? Are you more logical, more sensible than this? That’s fine, because we need all sorts of writers. Or maybe you know exactly what I mean.


On the final day of #trypod month I sing the praises of the gloriously soporific podcast “Sleep with me”

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Yes, I listen to many a podcast. Do you? If not, you’re in for a treat. This month the faithful are invited to share their favourites with the uninitiated.

I listen in bed on my podcast phone app, which will stop automatically at the end of the podcast, if you click the right dot. This is essential if the content is sleepifying, like the confused, meandering, and absolutely bonkers all-time favourite, “Sleep With Me.”

Dozens have have written in admiration and bemusement about Drew Ackerman and his eccentric podcast. His stories are deadly dull and yet seriously weird. He cannot disguise the fact that he is brilliant and literate and cunning and pathologically benign.

Strongly recommended regardless of whether you need help getting to sleep.

For more terrific podcasts, search #trypod and find something that suits. We are spoiled for choice nowadays.

Norah Caplan-Bricker in the New Yorker about Sleep With Me

 

 

 

Why do we write the books we write?

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I look at my latest novel and I think, why? Why did I write it, that book, that particular book in that particular way? Why didn’t I write a different novel, or write it in a different way? Why didn’t someone else write that novel? Why do I write any book at all nowadays?

Don’t get me wrong, I love Fixing Mrs Philpott, and lots of other people have told me they do too. (Allow me to toss in a few encouraging adjectives from my 24 fans: exuberant, giggling, positive, terrific writing, great fun, feminist, intrepid, life-affirming, adorable…) I love my funny worried self-deluding heroine and the cover and the entire concoction of stories and characters and earthquakes and sex and unstoppable tips from friends and strangers. Nevertheless, I’m puzzled about why I wrote it.

Not about why I write books in general: that’s fairly straightforward (on the surface). I love writing books, that’s why. I get high on the adventure, the puzzle, the impossibly difficult project. It’s how I get my thrills— intellectual (as half-formed ideas stretch out and colonise my brain), emotional (fear, pride, fear, the ecstasy of Flow), and aesthetic. That’s enough reason, surely?

But still, why writing instead of say, mathematics or scuba diving? A bunch of writing genes, a library habit, a ready-made audience of five sisters? No, because then we would have six poet-novelists in the family. Maybe some credit is due to aphantasia, leading me to compensate for mind-blindness with extra skills in language, narrative, and abstract thinking. That’s a stretch. Maybe the fact that my mother was briefly engaged to an eminent poet. (What? No. No!)

Who cares? I write books. I can’t help it. It’s a habit.

You are different. You write for your own particular reasons. I wonder what they are… maybe you’ll tell me…

That leaves the specific question: why did I write Fixing Mrs Philpott? I’ll leave that for another day.

Classic DIY recording booth

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I am proud of this Heath Robinson contraption in my study. My unique and glorious video recording booth is the result of about ten months’ trial and error and ingenious problem solving. What problems, you ask? Multiple engineering problems associated with recording short video lectures for my new online courses, for example:

  1. reduce echo to get a clear and friendly small room audio quality
  2. put lights in ideal position
  3. ditto for microphone
  4. ditto for MacBook Pro & its iSight camera
  5. enable impromptu instant recording any time without hanging drapes and duvets or moving stuff around
  6. record against a simple unobtrusive background
  7. and all this while keeping my study the serene space that it used to be.

They’re all one problem really and I hope they’re now all sorted. Except No. 6, which I’m working on.

How to make your own video recording booth for $64

So, you could make one too! Here’s what you need. Total cost $64 for the entire booth. (I’m not counting the hardware, namely microphone, computer and lights.)

  1. a basic stand-up desk borrowed from your friend who may take it back at any time
  2. 6 clamps (those orange sticky-out handles) ($54)
  3. 2 yoga mats,and scissors to cut them with (experience in home dressmaking an advantage) ($10)
  4. 11 bulldog clips (scrounge through office spaces and under couches)
  5. 2 pieces of old padded sofa cover (you know where they are)
  6. cheap plastic trolley with four trays (still usable for office stationery, ipad, Kindle etc))
  7. one cushion subdivided, two pillow cases (sacrificed in the cause)
  8. 8 large books (because trolley and standup desk are still too low).

In case you didn’t notice, I can’t stand sitting down for such tasks.

I’m just too clever for this world

So there you are! This is a classic blog post of the self-satisfied variety. I am just so proud (or maybe that’s relieved) I had to skite.

Now, about those courses…

Birthday girl

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hey it’s my birthday!
I know that
but do you?

I popped out of my mother
upside down and early
and I jerked and jumped

right out of my pram
they called me Jigger
the baby who never lay still

when you think of the odds
what a miracle
what a marvel, what a thrill!

and every single day since then
I’ve clambered
out from the dark of sleep

and there I was and here I am
with another 20 years ahead
to jiggle and wriggle and always

upside down and early
to squeeze and crawl and run
out of the dark and into the sun

and every day’s my happy
and every day’s my birthday
I haven’t had my fill

here I am I am I am
happy birthday me
happy birthday you
—-

poem written in a rush on 24 February 2017, my 77th birthday
rachel mcalpine CC BY 2.0
that means you may copy it and share it, but give me credit
and please note that this sudden poem may well be altered when I settle down

Happy birthday to you! (You woke up, didn’t you?)

A dirty old day in terrorized New Zealand

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Now let us do our duty: a swift scan
of the headlines for one shameful day
in a land of slime
and terror.

Minister not keen on drive
Freedom campers use beach as toilet
New Zealand, man up like Dan Carter
Melania wants to start clean

Police honesty box charge
A dance with The Boss
Closure for cat lover
Dog saved from kayak

Easter Sunday trading is here
Pineapple on pizza—for or against?
People safe after fire
When your succulent won’t stop growing

Stop there! It’s all too much.
Why fixate on the false and the filthy?
Take it away.
Let’s all emigrate to the USA.


poem & screenshot by rachel mcalpine CC BY 2.0