You asked: grooming tips for oldish bodies


Little Voice asks, “Where are the rules for growing old?

I’m older than Little Voice, and due to my vast experience of life, I have all the answers. Brace yourself…

LV. For instance, how do we handle thinning hair? Do we ask our friends how they handle it, or do we act as though our hair isn’t really falling out by ‘puffing it up’?

Moi. That was merely a fleeting illusion: your hair is as glorious as ever. Resurrect the Doris Day back-combing that looked so cute in your teens: a charming style for septuagenarians. If the illusion of thinning hair persists, shave the remains to achieve the popular alien look. Some will be impressed, others terrified: either way it’s win win.

LV. A dilemma I am facing is eyebrows. Do I pluck the grey hairs from above my eyes or leave them in? If I pluck them, I will soon not have any eyebrow hairs, and I’m not excited about that. 

Moi. Bald eyebrows are intensely cool, so shave them off and become a catwalk model. On the other hand, if you’re sticking with the Doris Day look, get new eyebrows tattooed on. No one will know the difference.

LV. And how about the hair growing out of the men’s ears? 

Moi. Ear hair is a valuable resource. Watch and wait. Have you seen Donald Trump? That’s recycled ear hair.

LV. How about the rubber-board skin that doesn’t go away even with 2 pounds of cream applied hourly?

Moi. What’s rubber-board? A water sport? An erotic device? A teaching aid? I don’t understand the problem.

LV. And, there is nothing more embarrassing than waking to find you have a crease (or two) running down your face after hugging your pillow all night. 

Moi. If that is the most embarrassing event in your life so far, you are one lucky little girl.

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Image: Internet Book Archive (Africa and its inhabitants, Elise Reclus and A.H. 1899)

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