29,000 tips on how not to look old
You mustn't be scared of wearing jeans but you mustn't wear skinny or baggy jeans or flared or ripped or hipster jeans or boot cut or jackets that match your jeans. (I can because I'm young but not you because people might notice you're old.)
You mustn't wear scarves around your neck (they make you look top heavy and highlight all your wrinkles) and you mustn't wear beige or black unless you strangle the blands with a colourful scarf around your neck.
If you wear long hair you look like a witch. If you wear short hair you look like an apple left on the shelf too long. You mustn't wear straight or short or wispy bangs you mustn't go spiky or layered or (OMG) bouffant no loose curls or tight curls or short curls or long curls.
Of course I've got nothing against you being yourself—in fact you must "do you" but please do my you (your you won't do) and whatever you do, don't wear what you like or do your hair the way it wants to go.
There are three things in your closet that you could safely wear so throw all your favourites away. With that awful old hair you could possibly wear a harmless bob and it might almost be OK so get to the stylist today.
I hope I have empowered you with my 29,000 tips on how to look young instead of a person of 40 or more. Go forth boldly now and become my definition of you. ~Rachel McAlpine 2021
An instant poem that needs rewriting—I hope it amuses you. Triggered when I accidentally found myself on a page of style tips for not looking old, in other words fashion advice on how to look younger when you are not young. I then read another 6 pages of similar tips. Some tips were identical, others were inconsistent and contradictory. All worked from an ageist assumption: that nobody wants to look older than they are. And probably that’s more or less true. But hey! I’ll carry on wearing what I *+&%#! well want to wear! Do you?