Cheese, iPads, people: Aged slowly. Polished off quickly.

"AGED SLOWLY. POLISHED OFF QUICKLY." A Mainland Cheese billboard
Motto for a fine old age: age slowly, die quickly.

“AGED SLOWLY. POLISHED OFF QUICKLY.” A Mainland Cheese billboard works for the life-cycle of iPads and humans too.

I saw this billboard while walking to an authorised Apple repairer. The slogan seemed apt for a five-and-a-half-year-old iPad that worked fine the day before yesterday and then expired suddenly, with little advance warning.

I showed the old iPad to the technician and he commented on the surface, which was blotchy. I said, “Never mind the surface, I only care about the battery. Can you make it go again?” The answer was no. The battery was dead. The model is “discontinued but supported”, which means (in this case) I could still get updates on the IOS — but not an authentic new battery.

Sad. Bye by, my faithful old IPad Pro 10.5.

“Good things take time” (Mainland Cheese)

For years Mainland Cheese has based its advertising around one brilliant slogan: “Good things take time.” Of course as an old person I love this, and I choose to (selectively) agree.

The new slogan is “Aged Slowly. Polished Off Quickly.” It summarises perfectly the ideal old age: a long, positive old age with no (cheesy) deterioration followed by a rapid conversion to a different form via a human intestine.

Similarly, when we die, the Earth will digest us (slowly) and convert our bodily matter and energy into a different form. Nice.

iPad Pro rises from the grave

I trudged off and bought a new iPad, 9th generation. Should last a while.

Just out of habit I plugged in the old iPad Pro. One last attempt to get the dead thing to go.

24 hours later it was fully charged. Now I have two iPads, a creaky old Roquefort miraculously recovered from the dead, and a fresh pot of iPaneer. Age slowly, dodge death? We shall see.

33 thoughts on “Cheese, iPads, people: Aged slowly. Polished off quickly.

  1. josaiawrites says:

    Such fun to read. Cheddarly delightful!

  2. josaiawrites says:

    This was a cheddarly delightful article!
    I also have side by side laptops. New and old. I like to think of them as keeping each other company…!

    1. Rachel McAlpine says:

      Oh that’s a thoroughly geeky setup.

      1. josaiawrites says:

        Indeed it is!.. Lol

  3. judibwriting says:

    I wish my iphone would also come back to life as it just got royally messed up today and I am resigned to buying a new one as it is too old to update which would be the only way to ripen it again to it’s aged perfection. Well it was perfect to me and it did pop off rather suddenly so it felt no pain. Having made cheese from our former flock of Icelandic sheep, I know it is a nuanced balance of the right starter, temperature, timing, and acidity to get the cheese you want. I accept it will take time to adjust to my new one and we will age right along together.

    1. Rachel McAlpine says:

      I can tell you have done your grieving and are ready to move on. Im glad your old friend felt no pain.

  4. cedar51 says:

    recently, like in a few months ago – my microwave which was aging suddenly was polished off – I finally sent it the recycling place where it might have some of it’s parts placed in a reforming vat or it might be just polished off to the grave of spare parts… I’ve not had the will to replace, long boring story why not!

    1. Rachel McAlpine says:

      Oops, my reply got lost. And so did your microwave.

  5. realruth says:

    I’ve just said a sad farewell to my Sony Walkman MP 3 player, which didn’t recover from being accidentally dropped into a foot bath. The model is no longer available, so I bought a Philips Pocket Radio as a replacement. This will be fine for listening to RNZ National in the wee small hours, but I’m sad to no longer be able to download programmes.

    1. Rachel McAlpine says:

      Ruth, I’m impressed. SWaMP3 player will be sadly missed, I’m sure.

  6. Sadje says:

    This is the story of all tech. Working one day, dead the next. I hope your new iPad gives you lots of joy.

    1. Rachel McAlpine says:

      All too true. But I was a liitle hasty in declaring my Ipad Pre deceased.

      1. Sadje says:

        Haha! Was it revived?

      2. Rachel McAlpine says:

        It has. But it has a very pale face now. Decision required…

      3. Sadje says:

        I think it has lived it’s usefulness, now time to retire it.

      4. Rachel McAlpine says:

        I would like to be with her when she/it is recycled. But I don’t think it’s allowed.

      5. Sadje says:

        I don’t know what is the procedure in your country. Over here we often sell old devices and then after repair, they are used by other people.

  7. Alan Ralph says:

    If it were my iPad, I’d have renamed it Lazarus following its miraculous resurrection. 🙂

    Sadly, nothing could coax back my old inkjet printer/copier/scanner when it popped its clogs in 2021. 🙁 To add insult to injury, I’d just replaced one of the cartridges. Looking for a replacement, I discovered that things like duplex printing and automatic document feeders are now reserved for ‘office’ printers with prices to match. So I got a cheap compact laser printer instead — if I need to scan a document, my phone can handle that.

    1. Rachel McAlpine says:

      Along with the new toy comes a raft of new learning. When you find an intelligible drawing or video that shows how to clean the drum, what a triumph!

  8. I love your posts. Always entertaining 🙂

    1. Rachel McAlpine says:

      Thank you! And I admire the name of your blog: don’t lose hope.

      1. ❤️💕💕

  9. There’s no such thing as ageing slowly where tech is concerned. I’m pretty sure that the first component installed in any device is one designed to throttle it to death just after it is no longer supported for repairs. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you!

    1. Rachel McAlpine says:

      This is true-ish. And yet, and yet… I know people who have clung to ancient devices for up to 14 years and grizzle because everything changes except their hardware. I don’t want to be that person.

  10. Mick Canning says:

    I feel I’m ageing rapidly. I must be doing something wrong.

    1. Rachel McAlpine says:

      Well, you aren’t cheese. That might be something to work on.

      1. Mick Canning says:

        Ah, okay. That’s cleared that one up, then. Must be something else.

  11. Suzanne says:

    You are a tonic, Rachel. For some reason, that Cheddar Cheese TV advert sprung into my mind.

    1. Rachel McAlpine says:

      It is a simply brilliant ad. Bring it back, Mainland! Good things take time.

  12. A Rocquefort IPAD sounds delicious and perhaps for sampling while you rock on with the new ipaneer. We love your words whichever cheese you choose. xx

    1. Rachel McAlpine says:

      It’s a mystery, deciding which cheese to eat first.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Aged to perfection. Still going strong..the day is long..our differences help us belong (maybe a bit cheesy that one), googly googly gong.
    And the grief of tech death and resurrection..thank you for another wonderful post 🌻

    1. Rachel McAlpine says:

      And thank you for a rhyme to start my day 🙂

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