29,000 tips for looking young

An instant poem against ageist style tips on looking young by avoiding any garment that might cause offence to the fashion police. Or hurt the aesthetic sensibilities of other people who notice them when they go out in public. This is a repeat of a post first published about three and a half years ago. I had forgotten all about it and I think it deserves another outing, don’t you?

29,000 tips on how not to look old

You mustn't be scared of wearing jeans
 but you mustn't wear skinny or baggy jeans
 or flared or ripped or hipster jeans
 or boot cut or jackets that match your jeans.
 (I can because I'm young but not you
 because people might notice you're old.)

You mustn't wear scarves around your neck
 (they make you look top heavy
 and highlight all your wrinkles) 
 and you mustn't wear beige or black
 unless you strangle the blands
 with a colourful scarf around your neck. 

If you wear long hair you look like a witch.
 If you wear short hair you look like an apple
 left on the shelf too long. You mustn't
 wear straight or short or wispy bangs  
 you mustn't go spiky or layered or (OMG) bouffant
 no loose curls or tight curls or short curls or long curls.

Of course I've got nothing against
you being yourself—in fact you must "do you"
but please do my you 
(your you won't do)
and whatever you do, don't wear what you like
or do your hair the way it wants to go. 

There are three things in your closet
 that you could safely wear 
 so throw all your favourites away.
 With that awful old hair you could possibly wear
 a harmless bob and it might almost be OK
 so get to the stylist today.

I hope I have empowered you
 with my 29,000 tips 
 on how to look young instead
 of a person of 40 or more.
 Go forth boldly now and become 
 my definition of you. 

      ~Rachel McAlpine 2021

I found 29,000 tips for looking young when I stumbled onto a web site giving style tips for people over 40. This mass of ageist fashion advice got up my nose.

I then read another umpteen gallons of similar tips on looking young. Some tips were identical, others were contradictory. But they all worked from certain unquestioned assumptions, which outraged me.

• Young people all look great.
• Young people know what to wear.
• Old people look horrible.
• Old people can look suitably invisible by wearing what they’re told to wear.
• Old people should not look comfortable or individual or interesting.
• Old people are all the same size and shape so one look works for all.
• Old people should stay out of sight so they don’t make other people feel uncomfortable.

Doubtless the fashion-for-geriatrics influencers have only our best interests at heart when they offer their insightful tips for looking young. Nevertheless I’ll carry on wearing what I *+&%#! well want to wear! Will you?