(Reposted from my Boot Camp for the Bonus Years, 2015.) In which somebody is mean to me, and I am sustained by rote phrases to a painful situation.
This week I magically applied lessons from a course on the Science of Happiness to shift myself from despondent to normal in a twinkling. Normal for me means happy, by the way.
I’d been pretty relaxed about the UC Berkeley course I was doing. Yeah yeah, I knew all that! None of the content was new to me, and I certainly didn’t enrol because I was unhappy.
Then something bad happened
Somebody in my circle made an astonishing remark (twice) that felt like a whack on the face. Their perception of our relationship was one I couldn’t recognise and felt I could not bear. I spent the rest of the day stunned, like a zombie. And yes, dramatically unhappy.
My first thoughts: This is a statement they can never un-say, and it changes our relationship forever.
My second thoughts: At least it’s good that I know this. It explains a lot. I’m less confused. Now that I know how they feel, I will be better equipped to cope with reality.
All very well. Not bad going, I suppose. But at this stage — still not happy, not by a long chalk.
Keywords flash into action
Next evening on the way home from dance rehearsal, a friend and I were deep in conversation. Suddenly a word popped into my brain out of nowhere: Resilience.
Then keyword number two popped: Compassion.
What happened next: a happiness coup
Within two seconds, truly, I felt happy again. Happiness rose like a phoenix from the ashes of happiness. (Should be a bluebird, not that hawky-griffony sort of creature.)
Instant happiness. Easy as turning on a light. This cannot be! I still can’t understand.
Even weirder, my happiness level has not dropped since that moment when I was all lit up within. I still am a bit shocked, but I’m no longer horrified or hurting. Instead I’m quietly empathising and sending compassionate thoughts out to the same person who for a short time loomed so threateningly in my world.
Keywords came straight from course materials
Actually, those two words didn’t come out of nowhere. They came straight from the short, low-key online course I was doing. Certain concepts and practices around happiness were fresh in my mind.
What still puzzles me is that when I needed them most, the right concept (Resilience) and the right practice (Compassion) suddenly jumped into my consciousness unsought. What a brain! Retrieval was instantaneous and even verbalised. You’d swear I wasn’t a day older than 74.
Phrases in the brain: learning to the rescue
Each keyword came packed with other phrases attached. In that lightning transformation, a sequence of thoughts popped up in rapid succession —I could almost hear myself thinking these words: “Resilience. Oh yes! Gotta drop this right now. Rumination is bad for you. So you wanted yes and you got a no? Let it go. You still have a beautiful life. But what to do?”
And then: “Compassion. Of course! That person is hurting. They told me so. They said it twice. It must be true for them. I can’t change that. Do compassion meditations. Step back and listen. It’s not about me.”
New coping tools can be learned
Life is not painless. Life hurts now and then. How to cope?
In the past, I’ve made huge efforts to distance myself from painful experiences. To achieve a happier perspective on my divorce, for instance, I invented tricks like drawing cartoons and stumbled towards other happiness practices by accident, trial and error.
Apparently I have now pasted certain coping strategies into my brain. Books and articles and this course on the science of happiness have clarified what works, how it works, and how to apply these winning strategies.
Looking back over the few bad times in my life, I appreciate what I’ve learned since then.
Even so, surely it’s not normal to leap straight back into happiness with the lightest of mental gestures? Maybe it was nothing to do with learning. Forget the phoenix. Maybe I was touched by an angel.
Image from La Litteratura Espagnola by Angel Salcedo y Ruiz, 1916. Public domain.
It probably has much to do with the sort of person you are (and the sort of inner angel you have, too). I also, recently, ‘leapt’ into happiness – though mine came after a long period of depression – but mine was triggered by having achieved a few small goals that I hadn’t been able to achieve before. Mostly the happiness has stayed (apart from straying off to the shadows a couple of times). It’s so good that your words and phrases helped. Long may it continue.
That is an amazing story. I am as astonished at your story as at my own. It feels like a switch turns on, that quick. Thank you!
One of my friends is in my opinion struggling (but she doesn’t seem to see it like that) with escalating melanoma. I knew she had been in that situation but everything seemed to be minor (from her) but suddenly it seems they are not minor patches. I’m not coping well…but she is. Her favourite word string is “it is what it is” – much of it has to do with a time when she was a complete sun goddess (something we often did in the 70-90s and never thought of consequence).
I went and had some spots of my own – looked into, 2 in particular often when “rogue” but it turns out I have something quite different and they are not in the C-line or cell structurally bad. I’m still sporting a dressing but they will heal (well doc says they will)
My friend had to have large one removed from her lower arm, the doc is making her wear a splint to help with healing…her first comment to me was “now I understand why you didn’t want to do things, that I made you do, when you broke your wrist and had it immobilized” and she followed that up with “I’m so sorry I did that…” I accepted apology but I didn’t mention a splint can be removed v a plaster cast that stays 24 x 7…
You see my friend is never ill…she has no health issues (until this) and although it’s great she is doing lots of regular things…I still think she is fragile. Maybe because I live daily with “issues” and somehow I know when to slow down v racing upwards…I’ve had a bit of practice 🙂
thanks for reading, writing it down has helped me – a lot…
Just the words I needed to hear right now. Especially, “So you wanted yes and you got a no. Let it up. You still have a beautiful life.” Thank you.
That was lucky! I understand how the exact advice we need is right there for the taking, somewhere, and we hunt it out! Sometimes I hear the words I need emerging from my own mouth!
I love this, I will try to leap into happiness instead of falling into downheartedness about those darn birds I can’t find. 😉
Good luck Wendy. ‘Tis the season!